Happy. Healthy. Beautiful.

This is my second draft.
I keep trying to take the words from my mind and put them on this electronic form of paper. Nothing is coming out the way I want it to.
I am a wife, a mom, a student.
Those are the three words that describe me.
The three words that make up my existence.
The three things that the Lord has asked me to do.
The three things that feel impossible to do together.
I can be a wife.
I can be a mom.
I can be a student.
I can do each thing individually, but lately it feels as if I cannot possibly succeed at any of them if I am doing them all together.
Being a mom is the hardest thing that I have ever done and I don't expect that it will get any easier. Without any preparation or formal teaching I suddenly have this little being to take care of. Someone who depends on me for their every need.
As a wife I expect things of myself, even if my husband doesn't. I should make dinner, keep the house clean, do the laundry, be happy, beautiful and put together.
As a mom there are certain expectations pressed upon me by society. I am supposed to exclusively breastfeed my baby because "breast is best." I am suppose to let her cry it out to fall asleep rather than holding her. I am supposed to have her on a strict sleeping schedule, she naps at this time and goes to bed at that time. I am not supposed to let her sleep in my bed because co-sleeping leads to death. I am not supposed to let her feed until she falls asleep because she will become dependent upon nursing. Not to mention that then I am supposed to look like I slept for 9 straight hours the night before and be a happy functioning member of society.
As a student there are things my professors expect. I am expected to go to class every day and have my homework completed. I am expected to be awake, alert and participating in the classroom discussion. I am expected to come to class clean with no baby drool down my pants or spit up on my shirt.
That's a lot of to expect of one person.
You know what? I can't do it.
I can't be perfect.
My baby drinks formula. Not all the time, but she does. She doesn't cry it out because I can't stand it. She's not on a schedule because I don't know how to implement one and I'm so busy doing homework that I don't have time to try. She sleeps in our bed because her sleeper has become too small for her, I'm not ready for her to be in her crib and I don't feel comfortable with her sleeping in her crib if she still wakes up during the night. I feed her until she falls asleep because it's the easiest way to get her to fall asleep and then I can use that time to do homework.
Yes, she is happy. Yes, she is probably dependent upon eating to fall asleep and yes, there are times where I feel like the worst mom in the world because of all these things.
I am the first of all of my friends to have a baby. There are many, many times where I feel completely alone. Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to. Someone who may understand what I'm feeling. Someone to give me a big hug and tell me that it's okay, everyone feels this way at some point.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a mom who is also a full-time student is even harder. It feels impossible.
I am lucky to have a supportive husband who reminds me everyday that this is possible. That with the Lord's help I can do this and succeed.
So, this is my new mantra; "It's okay. Piper is happy, healthy and beautiful."
Every time I feel burdened down by my own negativity, when I feel my stress levels reach unknown heights, when the task before me feels impossible, this is what I'll say. Because really, that's what matters right? Piper is happy. She's healthy. She's beautiful.
You know what else? She doesn't care that she's not on a schedule. She doesn't care that I think I'm failing her as a mom. All she cares about is that when she looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me that toothless grin is that I smile back. All she wants is to be loved and if I can do that, if I can love her, then I haven't failed.
So, to anyone who feels the way I do,
It's okay. Your baby is happy. Your baby is healthy. Your baby is beautiful.