On Friday we will be 13 weeks pregnant and I will start my weekly pregnancy blog, as I did with Piper. Before I start that blog and publicly start celebrating our Rainbow pregnancy I felt that it was important to make this post.
Since becoming pregnant with this little blessing my heart has broken for all my momma friends who never got to go through pregnancy with their blinders on, joyfully unaware of how quickly this can all be taken away. My pregnancy with Piper was brutal. Those of you who were around three years ago may remember how sick I was. I was nauseous the entire 9 months and ended that pregnancy never wanting another kid because of how sick I was. However, I never feared over losing her. Every pinch and twinge didn't send me into a depression. I didn't fear each ultrasound. I wasn't a ball of nerves at every doctor's appointments thinking I'm going to hear those words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."
I had a joyful, ignorance filled pregnancy, no matter how sick I was. Piper is what they call a Sunshine Baby, a baby born before the storm, a baby filled with just joy and, well, sunshine. I had zero mommy friends. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. I knew that miscarriages happened, but it wasn't something that was part of my life in anyway. It was...something that happened to other people, but it didn't happen to people close to me, let alone myself.
Then it happened to me. In a pregnancy that felt off from the beginning, miscarriage happened to me. Miscarriage happened and it has taken away my innocence.
This pregnancy, these last 8 weeks, they have been long, nerve wracking and scary. I've had three ultrasounds during these past 8 weeks (totally routine) and each time I was a wreck, worrying that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.
I have been holding my breath for 8 weeks and it wasn't until our ultrasound today, at 12 weeks 4 days, that I finally feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can finally stop worrying so much and begin to be excited.
I am ready to celebrate. I am ready to begin bonding with this little baby. I am ready to move on from the miscarriage and let this pregnancy be it's own instead of allowing it to live in the shadow of the miscarriage.
I will never forget the baby we lost and I anxiously await the day I will get that baby back; but for now, I am going to start celebrating this sweet baby who is coming June 2018.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Piper Turns Three
Dear Piper,
I cannot comprehend that you are three years old. The years go by so much faster now that you are in our life. I've never known a child with so much spunk as you. You are by far the silliest child I've ever met and your tenacity shows through in everything you do. I have never felt so blessed to be your mom as I have this past year.
This has been a tough year for our family, although you don't understand most of what's happened. When Mommy lost our baby in December you were truly my saving grace. I would always try so hard not to cry in front of you, but whenever I snuck away quietly to cry privately, you would find me. You'd just crawl into my lap and let me hold you for a while. Then you'd wipe my tears away, give me a hug and say, "it's okay Mommy. I love you." I don't know if you'll ever know how much I needed you in those moments. There were so many times as I was struggling to come out of that depression that I thought I was a terrible mom to you, that I wasn't doing enough. Although I never voiced those thoughts in your presence, somehow you always knew when I was thinking it. You'd run to me, give me a hug, and say, "Mom, you no bad mom! You great mom!"
I've said this so many times, but every day it proves to me to be more and more true; you were sent to this Earth to be a special spirit. One of your tasks here is to give light and joy to those around you and this last year you have been, at times, my only source of joy.
We also moved this year! Moving down to St. George has been so much fun for you! We are only .4 miles from Mimi and PaPaw and you LOVE being able to see everyone so often. It has been so fun to watch your relationships grow with our family. I love how much you love your cousin, Parker. You two are only a day apart and to watch your friendship grow these last 3 years has been such a blessing. I hope the two of you stay good friends your entire lives.
You have learned so much this year! You talk all day long, and usually end your sentences by saying "Mom", which I have to admit, I love. You learned how to go potty in the big girl potty (we're still working on bed-time and number twos). You are learning shapes, colors, numbers and the alphabet! You love to skip from 4 to 8, but when you slow down, you do know how to count to 10.
Halloween became your favorite holiday this year. You loved all the scary stuff and watching scary Halloween movies.
This year, you met your best friend, Reaggan. What a blessing it has been to have her move in down the street! You two were quick friends and fight like sisters. The two of you together are so comical! Together you love to make food in your play kitchen, play with the baby dolls, watch Moana, get dirty, and laugh.
Piper, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think how blessed I am that you chose me. You are so special and will always hold such a special place in my heart. Every one who meets you loves you. You have a joy that radiates through your eyes and it touches others. I know that this next year will have it's own set of trials, but you are the best girl for the job. You are my favorite three year old in the whole wide world.
Love,
Mommy
I cannot comprehend that you are three years old. The years go by so much faster now that you are in our life. I've never known a child with so much spunk as you. You are by far the silliest child I've ever met and your tenacity shows through in everything you do. I have never felt so blessed to be your mom as I have this past year.
This has been a tough year for our family, although you don't understand most of what's happened. When Mommy lost our baby in December you were truly my saving grace. I would always try so hard not to cry in front of you, but whenever I snuck away quietly to cry privately, you would find me. You'd just crawl into my lap and let me hold you for a while. Then you'd wipe my tears away, give me a hug and say, "it's okay Mommy. I love you." I don't know if you'll ever know how much I needed you in those moments. There were so many times as I was struggling to come out of that depression that I thought I was a terrible mom to you, that I wasn't doing enough. Although I never voiced those thoughts in your presence, somehow you always knew when I was thinking it. You'd run to me, give me a hug, and say, "Mom, you no bad mom! You great mom!"
I've said this so many times, but every day it proves to me to be more and more true; you were sent to this Earth to be a special spirit. One of your tasks here is to give light and joy to those around you and this last year you have been, at times, my only source of joy.
We also moved this year! Moving down to St. George has been so much fun for you! We are only .4 miles from Mimi and PaPaw and you LOVE being able to see everyone so often. It has been so fun to watch your relationships grow with our family. I love how much you love your cousin, Parker. You two are only a day apart and to watch your friendship grow these last 3 years has been such a blessing. I hope the two of you stay good friends your entire lives.
You have learned so much this year! You talk all day long, and usually end your sentences by saying "Mom", which I have to admit, I love. You learned how to go potty in the big girl potty (we're still working on bed-time and number twos). You are learning shapes, colors, numbers and the alphabet! You love to skip from 4 to 8, but when you slow down, you do know how to count to 10.
Halloween became your favorite holiday this year. You loved all the scary stuff and watching scary Halloween movies.
This year, you met your best friend, Reaggan. What a blessing it has been to have her move in down the street! You two were quick friends and fight like sisters. The two of you together are so comical! Together you love to make food in your play kitchen, play with the baby dolls, watch Moana, get dirty, and laugh.
Piper, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think how blessed I am that you chose me. You are so special and will always hold such a special place in my heart. Every one who meets you loves you. You have a joy that radiates through your eyes and it touches others. I know that this next year will have it's own set of trials, but you are the best girl for the job. You are my favorite three year old in the whole wide world.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
It's Been Six Weeks...What You Want to Say
It's been six weeks since we lost our baby. It's been six weeks since we had our future torn from us. It's been six weeks since I felt normal...whatever normal is...
Life after is hard after miscarriage. You join all these Facebook groups, miscarriage support groups, trying to conceive (TTC) after miscarriage, TTC rainbow babies...you expect to find solace in talking to people who have been through this and who can give you insight, and they do, but they are also getting their rainbow babies. Suddenly your timeline is FILLED with pictures of women posting their pregnancy tests...asking the group if we can see that second line.
And your filled with envy, jealousy, hatred and self-loathing.
Your friends have left, because they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Plus, you've kind of secluded yourself for the last, oh, I don't know, six weeks? So they probably think you're mad at them anyways.
The few friends who do reach out are just awkward about it, stumbling over their words. But it's appreciated more than they'll ever know.
You have so many things you want to say to the people in your life who don't understand, but common decency holds you back from saying them.
You want to tell your friends how much it hurts that they haven't asked. You want to tell them how painful it has been for you to feel like you are alone. That because you weren't able to carry a healthy baby to term you are taboo. You want to tell them that all you needed was for them to reach out and say, "I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here." You want to tell them what they should have done. They should have brought you ice-cream and chocolate and let your cry. They should have asked if they could cook dinner or clean your kitchen so you didn't have to think about it. They should have texted just to say "I'm thinking about you. Praying for you. Love you." They should have been there.
You want to tell your husband how sorry you are that you let him down. You want to tell him to leave you alone. You want to tell him to never leave your side. You want to cry with him. You want to tell him to run you a bath, give you some chocolate and let you find a clearer head space. You want to tell him that this is all your fault. That if you had done x,y,z your baby would still be here. You want to scream at him, because he's the only one who will let you. You want to tell him that you never want to try again because the fear of losing another pregnancy is too much.
You want to tell your living child how sorry you are your body couldn't give her a sibling.
You want to tell God how angry you are. How hurt you are that He would allow something like this to happen to you. You want to scream and yell and lash out at Him. He took your baby! He took him. You want to tell God to give him back. To let you have your baby back. To take away this pain and anguish. To never let you feel this way again.
All these things you want to say, but you won't.
Because it's time to start healing. It's been six weeks after all. It's time to put that pregnancy test away somewhere, instead of sitting on you vanity. It's time to ask the Lord for His healing power, rather than telling Him how mad you are. It's time to ask for peace. It's time to ask forgiveness for being a bad friend yourself. It's time to take steps towards healing. It's been six weeks.
Life after is hard after miscarriage. You join all these Facebook groups, miscarriage support groups, trying to conceive (TTC) after miscarriage, TTC rainbow babies...you expect to find solace in talking to people who have been through this and who can give you insight, and they do, but they are also getting their rainbow babies. Suddenly your timeline is FILLED with pictures of women posting their pregnancy tests...asking the group if we can see that second line.
And your filled with envy, jealousy, hatred and self-loathing.
Your friends have left, because they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Plus, you've kind of secluded yourself for the last, oh, I don't know, six weeks? So they probably think you're mad at them anyways.
The few friends who do reach out are just awkward about it, stumbling over their words. But it's appreciated more than they'll ever know.
You have so many things you want to say to the people in your life who don't understand, but common decency holds you back from saying them.
You want to tell your friends how much it hurts that they haven't asked. You want to tell them how painful it has been for you to feel like you are alone. That because you weren't able to carry a healthy baby to term you are taboo. You want to tell them that all you needed was for them to reach out and say, "I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here." You want to tell them what they should have done. They should have brought you ice-cream and chocolate and let your cry. They should have asked if they could cook dinner or clean your kitchen so you didn't have to think about it. They should have texted just to say "I'm thinking about you. Praying for you. Love you." They should have been there.
You want to tell your husband how sorry you are that you let him down. You want to tell him to leave you alone. You want to tell him to never leave your side. You want to cry with him. You want to tell him to run you a bath, give you some chocolate and let you find a clearer head space. You want to tell him that this is all your fault. That if you had done x,y,z your baby would still be here. You want to scream at him, because he's the only one who will let you. You want to tell him that you never want to try again because the fear of losing another pregnancy is too much.
You want to tell your living child how sorry you are your body couldn't give her a sibling.
You want to tell God how angry you are. How hurt you are that He would allow something like this to happen to you. You want to scream and yell and lash out at Him. He took your baby! He took him. You want to tell God to give him back. To let you have your baby back. To take away this pain and anguish. To never let you feel this way again.
All these things you want to say, but you won't.
Because it's time to start healing. It's been six weeks after all. It's time to put that pregnancy test away somewhere, instead of sitting on you vanity. It's time to ask the Lord for His healing power, rather than telling Him how mad you are. It's time to ask for peace. It's time to ask forgiveness for being a bad friend yourself. It's time to take steps towards healing. It's been six weeks.
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