It's been a long time since I wrote about me. I am mostly writing this as a form of therapy, but also with the hope that you, dear reader, will have encouraging words and kind advice.
Physicality has never been my strong suit. My entire life I have steered clear of anything where I would be exposed for the out of shape loser I thought myself to be. I thought if I pretended to hate sports, to hate being active, maybe no one would ever find out. Maybe they'd never know that I get breathless walking up a hill to class, they'd never find out that I can't run for longer than a minute. If I never participated, they'd never know.
This manner of thinking held me back. In high school when my friends played in the Powder Puff football game, I stayed home. My freshman year of college I tried to reinvent myself and I played soccer with some friends, but when I attempted to play my best, it wasn't good enough and they never passed me the ball, so I reverted.
Today I did something I never thought I'd do. I went running. Everyone who knows me was shocked by the decision I made to train for a 5k. I knew it would be hard on me physically. I prepared myself for the sore muscles and tired feet, but I had no idea how hard it would be for me mentally and emotionally.
Day one of the Couch Potato to 5k program. A 30 minute workout with interval running, run for one minute, walk for the next, and so on. When I read this yesterday I thought, "I can do that, heck, I can do more than that!" I grossly overestimated myself. I finished running the first minute and thought, "You are a fool, you cannot do this. You are weak. You have always been weak." I pushed past my thoughts to continue, and finish, my first day of training. But I came home defeated. I felt weak, embarrassed and foolish. All of my old insecurities came back.
I cried, I wallowed in self pity. I allowed my husband into my deepest, scariest, most vulnerable place and he brought light. He reminded me of who I am, of what I have already done. He expressed how proud of me he is and that he will be there for every step of this journey.
I would like to report that something has clicked between then and now, that I was able to take those insecurities and thoughts from my head and hide them in Pandora's Box, never to be opened, but sadly, that has not happened. However, I have been rallied behind and lifted up by my sweet husband and my wonderful parents. I have looked into my baby's eyes and remembered that I am creating a legacy of health and wellness for my daughter. I have recommitted to myself to keep going, to keep pushing, because come September I will be running my first 5k.
It won't be easy. I have 24 years of mental roadblocks to run over, but I can do it. I am capable. I will be strong. My body can do and has done amazing things. With the support of my family, and hopefully you, I know I can accomplish my goals.
