Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Happy. Healthy. Beautiful.

This is my second draft.
I keep trying to take the words from my mind and put them on this electronic form of paper. Nothing is coming out the way I want it to.
I am a wife, a mom, a student.
Those are the three words that describe me.
The three words that make up my existence.
The three things that the Lord has asked me to do.
The three things that feel impossible to do together.
I can be a wife.
I can be a mom.
I can be a student.
I can do each thing individually, but lately it feels as if I cannot possibly succeed at any of them if I am doing them all together.
Being a mom is the hardest thing that I have ever done and I don't expect that it will get any easier. Without any preparation or formal teaching I suddenly have this little being to take care of. Someone who depends on me for their every need.
As a wife I expect things of myself, even if my husband doesn't. I should make dinner, keep the house clean, do the laundry, be happy, beautiful and put together.
As a mom there are certain expectations pressed upon me by society. I am supposed to exclusively breastfeed my baby because "breast is best." I am suppose to let her cry it out to fall asleep rather than holding her. I am supposed to have her on a strict sleeping schedule, she naps at this time and goes to bed at that time. I am not supposed to let her sleep in my bed because co-sleeping leads to death. I am not supposed to let her feed until she falls asleep because she will become dependent upon nursing. Not to mention that then I am supposed to look like I slept for 9 straight hours the night before and be a happy functioning member of society.
As a student there are things my professors expect. I am expected to go to class every day and have my homework completed. I am expected to be awake, alert and participating in the classroom discussion. I am expected to come to class clean with no baby drool down my pants or spit up on my shirt.
That's a lot of to expect of one person.
You know what? I can't do it.
I can't be perfect.
My baby drinks formula. Not all the time, but she does. She doesn't cry it out because I can't stand it. She's not on a schedule because I don't know how to implement one and I'm so busy doing homework that I don't have time to try. She sleeps in our bed because her sleeper has become too small for her, I'm not ready for her to be in her crib and I don't feel comfortable with her sleeping in her crib if she still wakes up during the night. I feed her until she falls asleep because it's the easiest way to get her to fall asleep and then I can use that time to do homework.
Yes, she is happy. Yes, she is probably dependent upon eating to fall asleep and yes, there are times where I feel like the worst mom in the world because of all these things.
I am the first of all of my friends to have a baby. There are many, many times where I feel completely alone. Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to. Someone who may understand what I'm feeling. Someone to give me a big hug and tell me that it's okay, everyone feels this way at some point.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a mom who is also a full-time student is even harder. It feels impossible.
I am lucky to have a supportive husband who reminds me everyday that this is possible. That with the Lord's help I can do this and succeed.
So, this is my new mantra; "It's okay. Piper is happy, healthy and beautiful."
Every time I feel burdened down by my own negativity, when I feel my stress levels reach unknown heights, when the task before me feels impossible, this is what I'll say. Because really, that's what matters right? Piper is happy. She's healthy. She's beautiful.
You know what else? She doesn't care that she's not on a schedule. She doesn't care that I think I'm failing her as a mom. All she cares about is that when she looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me that toothless grin is that I smile back. All she wants is to be loved and if I can do that, if I can love her, then I haven't failed.
So, to anyone who feels the way I do,
It's okay. Your baby is happy. Your baby is healthy. Your baby is beautiful.





Tuesday, March 3, 2015

4 Months Old



This baby is growing up so quickly! I can't believe I have the privilege of watching her grow up! I don't have current stats on her because she hasn't been to the doctor in a month, but I will on Thursday :)
Baby girl has to get her second round of shots Thursday morning. (I'm just gonna make a little plug, VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN! I'd like my child to be safe so vaccinate yours. Okay, done.)
It's been a big month! Although, when they are this little, aren't they all?
Piper rolled over from her back to her tummy this month! The first FOUR times she did this we didn't even see it! We'd put her on her back and the next thing we know, we look over and she's on her tummy! Then when we stare at her waiting for her to roll over, she wouldn't! She's such a stinker.
In fact, she loves to be a stinker! When we make her laugh we can only use the same material once. We could do something that will make her laugh and laugh but if we do the same thing just five minutes later she doesn't laugh anymore! She's a tough critic.
This month she has discovered her toes and loves to grab them. It's hard to get her to stop grabbing her toes!
She loves fingers.
She loves Mommy's hair.
She loves her Daddy. Her face lights up whenever he walks into the room.
She continues to love staring at herself in the mirror...or any reflective surface.
She has started to play with toys and loves her playmat from Grammy and PaPaw.
We are STILL not sleeping through the night. Mommy will be talking to the doctor about that on Thursday.
She is very bashful. When you smile at her she gets excited and hides her face.
We still have to trick her into smiling for pictures.
She is settling into her bedtime routine.
We are so lucky to have this baby girl.

Life as Mommy is perfect. It's incredibly hard and seems to get harder as she gets older (which is totally backwards, right?).

Last night I broke down when I realized that Piper is getting too big for her sleeper and soon we will have to move her to her crib. I know this is a traumatic experience for most mom's, but for me there's an added sadness to it. I don't get to spend as much time with her as I'd like. I miss out on hours of watching her growing up. When I get home homework is supposed to be a priority. I feel guilty every day because my time isn't spent how I want it to be. Having Piper sleep next to me feels like a little more time I get to spend with her...it's a comfort. When she moves to her own room that's 8 more hours I'm not with her. I'm not ready.

Being my friend is hard. It's hard because I don't want to go out anymore. My time is not meant for going out to eat, hanging out at someone's apartment, etc. My time is meant for my husband and my baby. I still love to spend time with friends, but I need friends who understand that I come with a baby now. I want to hang out, but I want to do it from my own home, with my baby. When I do go out, it's a huge ordeal. You have to pack a lot of things to make sure you're prepared for anything a baby can throw your way. Going out is more work than it's worth sometimes. I am grateful for the friends I have who come over to my place and play with my baby. I am grateful for the friends who don't flake out on me because I can't go out. I am grateful for these people. Being a mom is hard, but perfect.