What if I had been better at taking care of myself?
If I had been better at taking my thyroid medicine,
If I ate better, worked out more?
Would you still be here?
What if I was a better mom to your sister?
If I wasn't quick to anger,
If I had more patience?
Would you still be here?
What if I hadn't cried to the Lord?
If I hadn't been so scared,
If I hadn't let my fear tell me I couldn't be a mom of two?
Would you still be here?
What if I lose you next time?
If I have to feel this way again,
If I'm not good enough again?
Will you give me another chance?
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Miscarriage
I've known I needed to write this post for two days now, but I can't seem to get the words out. I'm not very good at talking about my feelings, but I can write about them...right now words have lost me. But someone needs to know that they aren't alone...so, I'm writing.
I have suddenly found myself in a new territory in life. I can be classified in different term. I have experienced something no one wishes upon their worst enemy. I am now one in four, a mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage.
Those words pain me to write, even more to think. I never imagined I would be led down this path and I keep thinking that the Lord made a mistake. He isn't suppose to give you more than you can handle, and this feels like more than my breaking point.
We weren't really trying to get pregnant. In fact, I know the exact day we got pregnant, because we weren't trying. But, on December 5th, I took a test and two bright pink lines appeared. I ran to Piper's room where my husband was and exclaimed, "We're pregnant!" He cried, I cried. We sat Piper down and told her we were having a baby and she squealed and gave me the biggest hug that could ever come from that two-year old body. I was terrified, but I felt that the Lord was in charge.
I won't go into all the details, but my intuition told me something was weird about this pregnancy. With Piper, I'm sure you remember, I was incredibly sick. From 4 weeks to the time I delivered, I was sick. I wasn't sick with this baby. I kept bringing it up and people told me how lucky I was, that not all pregnancies are the same, and I should count my blessings. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
What I did know was that I knew this baby. I felt an immediate connection to this baby. My husband and I have known that we have a son, Jacob, and that he is a vital piece to our family. This baby was Jacob. I felt it as soon as I saw those two lines.
I had my HCG levels checked on the 14th because of these feelings and they came back at 83. I was suppose to be 5-6 weeks pregnant at the time so that was incredibly low. Then I started bleeding. The next time my HCG levels were checked on the 16th, I was at 35. We lost our baby.
Since then I have had a mix of terrible emotions. That was Jacob. That was our son. And he is gone.
Friday night I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing (for my non-LDS friends, read more about what that is here). Caleb didn't know it but I was pleading with my Father in Heaven to know that my son was okay and that he loves me. I was assured that Jacob is strong, that he knows how much I'm hurting, that he loves me and he will be back with us.
This has brought me so much comfort, but I am still struggling. I feel alone in my pain. I feel as if my body failed, not only me, but my family. Logically, I know that this isn't my fault, but what if... keeps running through my head. All the things I could have changed or done better to make my body a safer place to carry a child.
My soul feels empty. I place my hand on my stomach where he should be...and he isn't there. I'm heartbroken that he isn't coming now, but I find peace knowing we haven't lost him forever.
I feel stupid and selfish for having these feelings. Am I allowed to be heartbroken when I know that he will come to us again? Am I allowed to have these selfish desires of wanting another child when I already have Piper and some parents suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage with no child at all?
This is uncharted territory, a place I never thought I'd be, an "other people" scenario.
My heart is in turmoil, but I worry I'm not allowed to feel this way. Some people would say that he wasn't really a baby yet, not developed enough, but I knew him. Others might say that because I have this confirmation that he is okay and is still coming that I should just be okay with that and wait for the right timing...but he's gone right now. My friend is also pregnant...she has the same due date I had...that is going to be so hard, watching her experience these things...the things I'm suppose to be experiencing with her.
I have these pictures...they sit in my phone as a constant reminder...we are no longer announcing this joyous moment, but I need to share them...as closure.
Through all these hard emotions, I have hope. I have hope that our son will be with us when the time is right. I have the knowledge that he is healthy and he is okay. I know he will come to our family. I have hope that I am strong enough to get through this without ruining relationships.
Right now I am trying to lean on my Savior. I find joy in my daughter.
The affirmations I told myself while running have come back to me...
"I am strong. I am capable. I can do hard things."
I have suddenly found myself in a new territory in life. I can be classified in different term. I have experienced something no one wishes upon their worst enemy. I am now one in four, a mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage.
Those words pain me to write, even more to think. I never imagined I would be led down this path and I keep thinking that the Lord made a mistake. He isn't suppose to give you more than you can handle, and this feels like more than my breaking point.
We weren't really trying to get pregnant. In fact, I know the exact day we got pregnant, because we weren't trying. But, on December 5th, I took a test and two bright pink lines appeared. I ran to Piper's room where my husband was and exclaimed, "We're pregnant!" He cried, I cried. We sat Piper down and told her we were having a baby and she squealed and gave me the biggest hug that could ever come from that two-year old body. I was terrified, but I felt that the Lord was in charge.
I won't go into all the details, but my intuition told me something was weird about this pregnancy. With Piper, I'm sure you remember, I was incredibly sick. From 4 weeks to the time I delivered, I was sick. I wasn't sick with this baby. I kept bringing it up and people told me how lucky I was, that not all pregnancies are the same, and I should count my blessings. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
What I did know was that I knew this baby. I felt an immediate connection to this baby. My husband and I have known that we have a son, Jacob, and that he is a vital piece to our family. This baby was Jacob. I felt it as soon as I saw those two lines.
I had my HCG levels checked on the 14th because of these feelings and they came back at 83. I was suppose to be 5-6 weeks pregnant at the time so that was incredibly low. Then I started bleeding. The next time my HCG levels were checked on the 16th, I was at 35. We lost our baby.
Since then I have had a mix of terrible emotions. That was Jacob. That was our son. And he is gone.
Friday night I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing (for my non-LDS friends, read more about what that is here). Caleb didn't know it but I was pleading with my Father in Heaven to know that my son was okay and that he loves me. I was assured that Jacob is strong, that he knows how much I'm hurting, that he loves me and he will be back with us.
This has brought me so much comfort, but I am still struggling. I feel alone in my pain. I feel as if my body failed, not only me, but my family. Logically, I know that this isn't my fault, but what if... keeps running through my head. All the things I could have changed or done better to make my body a safer place to carry a child.
My soul feels empty. I place my hand on my stomach where he should be...and he isn't there. I'm heartbroken that he isn't coming now, but I find peace knowing we haven't lost him forever.
I feel stupid and selfish for having these feelings. Am I allowed to be heartbroken when I know that he will come to us again? Am I allowed to have these selfish desires of wanting another child when I already have Piper and some parents suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage with no child at all?
This is uncharted territory, a place I never thought I'd be, an "other people" scenario.
My heart is in turmoil, but I worry I'm not allowed to feel this way. Some people would say that he wasn't really a baby yet, not developed enough, but I knew him. Others might say that because I have this confirmation that he is okay and is still coming that I should just be okay with that and wait for the right timing...but he's gone right now. My friend is also pregnant...she has the same due date I had...that is going to be so hard, watching her experience these things...the things I'm suppose to be experiencing with her.
I have these pictures...they sit in my phone as a constant reminder...we are no longer announcing this joyous moment, but I need to share them...as closure.
Through all these hard emotions, I have hope. I have hope that our son will be with us when the time is right. I have the knowledge that he is healthy and he is okay. I know he will come to our family. I have hope that I am strong enough to get through this without ruining relationships.
Right now I am trying to lean on my Savior. I find joy in my daughter.
The affirmations I told myself while running have come back to me...
"I am strong. I am capable. I can do hard things."
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