Pregnancy After Loss

On Friday we will be 13 weeks pregnant and I will start my weekly pregnancy blog, as I did with Piper. Before I start that blog and publicly start celebrating our Rainbow pregnancy I felt that it was important to make this post.

Since becoming pregnant with this little blessing my heart has broken for all my momma friends who never got to go through pregnancy with their blinders on, joyfully unaware of how quickly this can all be taken away. My pregnancy with Piper was brutal. Those of you who were around three years ago may remember how sick I was. I was nauseous the entire 9 months and ended that pregnancy never wanting another kid because of how sick I was. However, I never feared over losing her. Every pinch and twinge didn't send me into a depression. I didn't fear each ultrasound. I wasn't a ball of nerves at every doctor's appointments thinking I'm going to hear those words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

I had a joyful, ignorance filled pregnancy, no matter how sick I was. Piper is what they call a Sunshine Baby, a baby born before the storm, a baby filled with just joy and, well, sunshine. I had zero mommy friends. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. I knew that miscarriages happened, but it wasn't something that was part of my life in anyway. It was...something that happened to other people, but it didn't happen to people close to me, let alone myself.

Then it happened to me. In a pregnancy that felt off from the beginning, miscarriage happened to me. Miscarriage happened and it has taken away my innocence.

This pregnancy, these last 8 weeks, they have been long, nerve wracking and scary. I've had three ultrasounds during these past 8 weeks (totally routine) and each time I was a wreck, worrying that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.

I have been holding my breath for 8 weeks and it wasn't until our ultrasound today, at 12 weeks 4 days, that I finally feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can finally stop worrying so much and begin to be excited.

I am ready to celebrate. I am ready to begin bonding with this little baby. I am ready to move on from the miscarriage and let this pregnancy be it's own instead of allowing it to live in the shadow of the miscarriage.

I will never forget the baby we lost and I anxiously await the day I will get that baby back; but for now, I am going to start celebrating this sweet baby who is coming June 2018.