Pregnancy After Loss

On Friday we will be 13 weeks pregnant and I will start my weekly pregnancy blog, as I did with Piper. Before I start that blog and publicly start celebrating our Rainbow pregnancy I felt that it was important to make this post.

Since becoming pregnant with this little blessing my heart has broken for all my momma friends who never got to go through pregnancy with their blinders on, joyfully unaware of how quickly this can all be taken away. My pregnancy with Piper was brutal. Those of you who were around three years ago may remember how sick I was. I was nauseous the entire 9 months and ended that pregnancy never wanting another kid because of how sick I was. However, I never feared over losing her. Every pinch and twinge didn't send me into a depression. I didn't fear each ultrasound. I wasn't a ball of nerves at every doctor's appointments thinking I'm going to hear those words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

I had a joyful, ignorance filled pregnancy, no matter how sick I was. Piper is what they call a Sunshine Baby, a baby born before the storm, a baby filled with just joy and, well, sunshine. I had zero mommy friends. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. I knew that miscarriages happened, but it wasn't something that was part of my life in anyway. It was...something that happened to other people, but it didn't happen to people close to me, let alone myself.

Then it happened to me. In a pregnancy that felt off from the beginning, miscarriage happened to me. Miscarriage happened and it has taken away my innocence.

This pregnancy, these last 8 weeks, they have been long, nerve wracking and scary. I've had three ultrasounds during these past 8 weeks (totally routine) and each time I was a wreck, worrying that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.

I have been holding my breath for 8 weeks and it wasn't until our ultrasound today, at 12 weeks 4 days, that I finally feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can finally stop worrying so much and begin to be excited.

I am ready to celebrate. I am ready to begin bonding with this little baby. I am ready to move on from the miscarriage and let this pregnancy be it's own instead of allowing it to live in the shadow of the miscarriage.

I will never forget the baby we lost and I anxiously await the day I will get that baby back; but for now, I am going to start celebrating this sweet baby who is coming June 2018.

Piper Turns Three

Dear Piper,
I cannot comprehend that you are three years old. The years go by so much faster now that you are in our life. I've never known a child with so much spunk as you. You are by far the silliest child I've ever met and your tenacity shows through in everything you do. I have never felt so blessed to be your mom as I have this past year.

This has been a tough year for our family, although you don't understand most of what's happened. When Mommy lost our baby in December you were truly my saving grace. I would always try so hard not to cry in front of you, but whenever I snuck away quietly to cry privately, you would find me. You'd just crawl into my lap and let me hold you for a while. Then you'd wipe my tears away, give me a hug and say, "it's okay Mommy. I love you." I don't know if you'll ever know how much I needed you in those moments. There were so many times as I was struggling to come out of that depression that I thought I was a terrible mom to you, that I wasn't doing enough. Although I never voiced those thoughts in your presence, somehow you always knew when I was thinking it. You'd run to me, give me a hug, and say, "Mom, you no bad mom! You great mom!"

I've said this so many times, but every day it proves to me to be more and more true; you were sent to this Earth to be a special spirit. One of your tasks here is to give light and joy to those around you and this last year you have been, at times, my only source of joy.

We also moved this year! Moving down to St. George has been so much fun for you! We are only .4 miles from Mimi and PaPaw and you LOVE being able to see everyone so often. It has been so fun to watch your relationships grow with our family. I love how much you love your cousin, Parker. You two are only a day apart and to watch your friendship grow these last 3 years has been such a blessing. I hope the two of you stay good friends your entire lives.

You have learned so much this year! You talk all day long, and usually end your sentences by saying "Mom", which I have to admit, I love. You learned how to go potty in the big girl potty (we're still working on bed-time and number twos). You are learning shapes, colors, numbers and the alphabet! You love to skip from 4 to 8, but when you slow down, you do know how to count to 10.

Halloween became your favorite holiday this year. You loved all the scary stuff and watching scary Halloween movies.

This year, you met your best friend, Reaggan. What a blessing it has been to have her move in down the street! You two were quick friends and fight like sisters. The two of you together are so comical! Together you love to make food in your play kitchen, play with the baby dolls, watch Moana, get dirty, and laugh.

Piper, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think how blessed I am that you chose me. You are so special and will always hold such a special place in my heart. Every one who meets you loves you. You have a joy that radiates through your eyes and it touches others. I know that this next year will have it's own set of trials, but you are the best girl for the job. You are my favorite three year old in the whole wide world.

Love,
Mommy

It's Been Six Weeks...What You Want to Say

It's been six weeks since we lost our baby. It's been six weeks since we had our future torn from us. It's been six weeks since I felt normal...whatever normal is...

Life after is hard after miscarriage. You join all these Facebook groups, miscarriage support groups, trying to conceive (TTC) after miscarriage, TTC rainbow babies...you expect to find solace in talking to people who have been through this and who can give you insight, and they do, but they are also getting their rainbow babies. Suddenly your timeline is FILLED with pictures of women posting their pregnancy tests...asking the group if we can see that second line.
And your filled with envy, jealousy, hatred and self-loathing.

Your friends have left, because they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Plus, you've kind of secluded yourself for the last, oh, I don't know, six weeks? So they probably think you're mad at them anyways.
The few friends who do reach out are just awkward about it, stumbling over their words. But it's appreciated more than they'll ever know.

You have so many things you want to say to the people in your life who don't understand, but common decency holds you back from saying them.

You want to tell your friends how much it hurts that they haven't asked. You want to tell them how painful it has been for you to feel like you are alone. That because you weren't able to carry a healthy baby to term you are taboo. You want to tell them that all you needed was for them to reach out and say, "I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here." You want to tell them what they should have done. They should have brought you ice-cream and chocolate and let your cry. They should have asked if they could cook dinner or clean your kitchen so you didn't have to think about it. They should have texted just to say "I'm thinking about you. Praying for you. Love you." They should have been there.

You want to tell your husband how sorry you are that you let him down. You want to tell him to leave you alone. You want to tell him to never leave your side. You want to cry with him. You want to tell him to run you a bath, give you some chocolate and let you find a clearer head space. You want to tell him that this is all your fault. That if you had done x,y,z your baby would still be here. You want to scream at him, because he's the only one who will let you. You want to tell him that you never want to try again because the fear of losing another pregnancy is too much.

You want to tell your living child how sorry you are your body couldn't give her a sibling.

You want to tell God how angry you are. How hurt you are that He would allow something like this to happen to you. You want to scream and yell and lash out at Him. He took your baby! He took him. You want to tell God to give him back. To let you have your baby back. To take away this pain and anguish. To never let you feel this way again.

All these things you want to say, but you won't.

Because it's time to start healing. It's been six weeks after all. It's time to put that pregnancy test away somewhere, instead of sitting on you vanity. It's time to ask the Lord for His healing power, rather than telling Him how mad you are. It's time to ask for peace. It's time to ask forgiveness for being a bad friend yourself. It's time to take steps towards healing. It's been six weeks.

Would You Still Be Here?

What if I had been better at taking care of myself?
If I had been better at taking my thyroid medicine,
If I ate better, worked out more?
Would you still be here?

What if I was a better mom to your sister?
If I wasn't quick to anger,
If I had more patience?
Would you still be here?

What if I hadn't cried to the Lord?
If I hadn't been so scared,
If I hadn't let my fear tell me I couldn't be a mom of two?
Would you still be here?

What if I lose you next time?
If I have to feel this way again,
If I'm not good enough again?
Will you give me another chance?

Miscarriage

I've known I needed to write this post for two days now, but I can't seem to get the words out. I'm not very good at talking about my feelings, but I can write about them...right now words have lost me. But someone needs to know that they aren't alone...so, I'm writing.

I have suddenly found myself in a new territory in life. I can be classified in different term. I have experienced something no one wishes upon their worst enemy. I am now one in four, a mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage.

Those words pain me to write, even more to think. I never imagined I would be led down this path and I keep thinking that the Lord made a mistake. He isn't suppose to give you more than you can handle, and this feels like more than my breaking point.

We weren't really trying to get pregnant. In fact, I know the exact day we got pregnant, because we weren't trying. But, on December 5th, I took a test and two bright pink lines appeared. I ran to Piper's room where my husband was and exclaimed, "We're pregnant!" He cried, I cried. We sat Piper down and told her we were having a baby and she squealed and gave me the biggest hug that could ever come from that two-year old body. I was terrified, but I felt that the Lord was in charge.

I won't go into all the details, but my intuition told me something was weird about this pregnancy. With Piper, I'm sure you remember, I was incredibly sick. From 4 weeks to the time I delivered, I was sick. I wasn't sick with this baby. I kept bringing it up and people told me how lucky I was, that not all pregnancies are the same, and I should count my blessings. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

What I did know was that I knew this baby. I felt an immediate connection to this baby. My husband and I have known that we have a son, Jacob, and that he is a vital piece to our family. This baby was Jacob. I felt it as soon as I saw those two lines.

I had my HCG levels checked on the 14th because of these feelings and they came back at 83. I was suppose to be 5-6 weeks pregnant at the time so that was incredibly low. Then I started bleeding. The next time my HCG levels were checked on the 16th, I was at 35. We lost our baby.

Since then I have had a mix of terrible emotions. That was Jacob. That was our son. And he is gone.

Friday night I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing (for my non-LDS friends, read more about what that is here). Caleb didn't know it but I was pleading with my Father in Heaven to know that my son was okay and that he loves me. I was assured that Jacob is strong, that he knows how much I'm hurting, that he loves me and he will be back with us.

This has brought me so much comfort, but I am still struggling. I feel alone in my pain. I feel as if my body failed, not only me, but my family. Logically, I know that this isn't my fault, but what if... keeps running through my head. All the things I could have changed or done better to make my body a safer  place to carry a child.

My soul feels empty. I place my hand on my stomach where he should be...and he isn't there. I'm heartbroken that he isn't coming now, but I find peace knowing we haven't lost him forever.
I feel stupid and selfish for having these feelings. Am I allowed to be heartbroken when I know that he will come to us again? Am I allowed to have these selfish desires of wanting another child when I already have Piper and some parents suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage with no child at all?

This is uncharted territory, a place I never thought I'd be, an "other people" scenario.

My heart is in turmoil, but I worry I'm not allowed to feel this way. Some people would say that he wasn't really a baby yet, not developed enough, but I knew him. Others might say that because I have this confirmation that he is okay and is still coming that I should just be okay with that and wait for the right timing...but he's gone right now. My friend is also pregnant...she has the same due date I had...that is going to be so hard, watching her experience these things...the things I'm suppose to be experiencing with her.

I have these pictures...they sit in my phone as a constant reminder...we are no longer announcing this joyous moment, but I need to share them...as closure.

Through all these hard emotions, I have hope. I have hope that our son will be with us when the time is right. I have the knowledge that he is healthy and he is okay. I know he will come to our family. I have hope that I am strong enough to get through this without ruining relationships.

Right now I am trying to lean on my Savior. I find joy in my daughter.

The affirmations I told myself while running have come back to me...

"I am strong. I am capable. I can do hard things."

 

 

 

Piper Turns Two

Dear Piper,
What a year you have had! Right after you turned one you went on your first plane to Ohio! You got to meet your Aunt Abby and Grandma Polly. Everyone was so sad because Grandpa Burr had passed away, but having you around brought a little bit of joy to an otherwise sad situation.
In February you and Mommy were separated for the first time when I went to a work conference in Florida. You did so good though! You got to play with GiGi and Daddy and they loved on you so you didn't even notice I was gone. In May you started nursery and Toddler Lab at BYU-Idaho. You loved nursery on your first day, but took a little more convincing over the next few weeks. Toddler Lab was a hard adjustment for you. You weren't use to being somewhere without Mommy and Daddy, and it didn't help that you had a lot of little ones crying in your classroom! Toddler Lab was never your favorite thing, but you did learn to be tolerant of going and you loved when you got to play outside in the little cars!
In July you got to spend a week with Grammy and PaPaw so Mommy and Daddy could go to Florida to celebrate my graduation, Daddy's birthday and our wedding anniversary. You were such a trooper! You missed Daddy way more than you missed Mommy, but you've been so use to Daddy always being home with you that my feelings weren't hurt...too much.
In August you stopped sleeping with your bottle! This was a huge step! You helped Mommy and Daddy pack it up and send it to your cousin Macie because she's a baby and still needed a bottle, but you are a big girl! You were heartbroken not to have your bottle anymore, but Mommy's heart broke even more knowing that you aren't a baby anymore.
Then, in October, you went on your second plane ride to attend your great-grandpa's funeral in Indiana. While there you met so many new people! Lots of uncles, aunts and cousins, plus your Great-Grammy. You also got to meet one of Mommy's favorite people, Teresa Smith. I promise your next flight will be for something happier than a funeral!
You have grown up so much this year.Your vocabulary has flourished and it seems like you are constantly learning new words! Today you told me all about how two little girls weren't "nice" while you were playing in the "car" at Chick-fil-a.
You have made new friends, found a love for babies, and fallen for fishes and monsters. You would watch Finding Nemo and Monster's University all day every day if we let you.
You are so stubborn and full of life. You know what you want and you won't let anyone change your mind. There is nothing you cannot do.
You are two. Two has become your favorite word. My heart hurts thinking that the last two years have gone by so quickly, I know that the next 16 will go even quicker and then you will be on your own starting college.
You love tickles, singing songs, chasing Mommy and Daddy with oven mitts, pretending they are monsters. You change every day.
You have to sleep with all of your favorite stuffed animals, a monkey, a dog, a monster (Sullivan), Mommy's teddy bear, Samson, and now, your giant Dory fish. Oh, and your twin size fleece fish blanket. Your crib is packed!
You love giving eskimo and butterfly kisses and will hand them out ten at a time when Mommy is trying to put you to bed, you know where my weak spot is!
Banner is still your best friend and worst enemy. You guys fight like siblings.
In 15 days you'll get to meet your Uncle Isaiah. The last time you saw him you were only 2 weeks old! I know it will be a strange adjustment for you, but you will love him as much as I know he already loves you.
Piper, you have no idea how much you are loved. There are no words to describe the love that everyone has for you. I cannot imagine that there has been or ever will be a child who is loved as much as you are. You bring joy to everyone you meet. You are sunshine. I pray you never lose sight of your goodness.
We love you Sweet P.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy

5K Training...Day One

It's been a long time since I wrote about me. I am mostly writing this as a form of therapy, but also with the hope that you, dear reader, will have encouraging words and kind advice.

Physicality has never been my strong suit. My entire life I have steered clear of anything where I would be exposed for the out of shape loser I thought myself to be. I thought if I pretended to hate sports, to hate being active, maybe no one would ever find out. Maybe they'd never know that I get breathless walking up a hill to class, they'd never find out that I can't run for longer than a minute. If I never participated, they'd never know.

This manner of thinking held me back. In high school when my friends played in the Powder Puff football game, I stayed home. My freshman year of college I tried to reinvent myself and I played soccer with some friends, but when I attempted to play my best, it wasn't good enough and they never passed me the ball, so I reverted.

Today I did something I never thought I'd do. I went running. Everyone who knows me was shocked by the decision I made to train for a 5k. I knew it would be hard on me physically. I prepared myself for the sore muscles and tired feet, but I had no idea how hard it would be for me mentally and emotionally.

Day one of the Couch Potato to 5k program. A 30 minute workout with interval running, run for one minute, walk for the next, and so on. When I read this yesterday I thought, "I can do that, heck, I can do more than that!" I grossly overestimated myself. I finished running the first minute and thought, "You are a fool, you cannot do this. You are weak. You have always been weak." I pushed past my thoughts to continue, and finish, my first day of training. But I came home defeated. I felt weak, embarrassed and foolish. All of my old insecurities came back.

I cried, I wallowed in self pity. I allowed my husband into my deepest, scariest, most vulnerable place and he brought light. He reminded me of who I am, of what I have already done. He expressed how proud of me he is and that he will be there for every step of this journey.

I would like to report that something has clicked between then and now, that I was able to take those insecurities and thoughts from my head and hide them in Pandora's Box, never to be opened, but sadly, that has not happened. However, I have been rallied behind and lifted up by my sweet husband and my wonderful parents. I have looked into my baby's eyes and remembered that I am creating a legacy of health and wellness for my daughter. I have recommitted to myself to keep going, to keep pushing, because come September I will be running my first 5k.

It won't be easy. I have 24 years of mental roadblocks to run over, but I can do it. I am capable. I will be strong. My body can do and has done amazing things. With the support of my family, and hopefully you, I know I can accomplish my goals.

18 Months

It has been six months since I shared on our blog! Although, this feels more like a journal I'm keeping to Piper rather than a blog. These past six months have been crazy for our family and I'm not going to lie, writing Piper's 18 month update is very bittersweet for me. No, I'm not baby hungry, I don't want another baby, I want my little Piper baby. I love watching her grow and learn, but I am scared. The older she gets the less she needs for me to do for her, physically, but the more she relies on me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I don't know if I'm up for the challenge. I could do the late night feedings, the cuddles, teaching her how to roll over, crawl, walk and run, but can I do the rest? How do I know if I'm doing all I can to teach her to love Jesus, how to be safe, how to be kind? The older she gets the less influence I have and the more the world comes into play. How do I teach her to block out the world?
PHEW! Didn't mean to get into all of that, but I'll admit it felt good to write that out, so thank you for reading my insecurities. On to Piper...

When did time speed up?!?!?! The things Piper can't do grows smaller every day. She still loves meeting new people, although she is a little more wary (which makes my momma heart a little more at peace). Piper loves all animals and has grown quite attached to her puppy, Banner. They've loved each other since day one, but now Piper doesn't even like it if he goes outside and she can't see him. They wrestle like brother and sister and that sweet puppy just lets her yank on him. He is such a good dog and has been a wonderful addition to our family, no matter what anyone else may say. Not only does Piper love real animals, but she loves her stuffed animals! She will no longer sleep without her lovey, Samson, a teddy bear that originally belonged to Mommy and Piper commandeered.
Piper has found a new love for babies. She has two baby dolls that she enjoys feeding, clothing and changing their diapers. She also loves real babies and gives them as many hugs (more like forceful squeezes) as she can. Mommy and Daddy may not be baby hungry, but Piper sure is! Sometimes when we are outside she can hear our neighbor's baby crying and she always goes over to their door in great concern for the baby.
Piper loves to read and reads all of her books on a daily basis. She is learning how to clean up after herself and throw things in the trash, whether it's trash or not. She enjoys unloading the dishwasher and moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
One of her favorite things to do is play outside. She loves running around and having fun! Just like a toddler (gasp!) should.
Piper's favorite food is anything that is in Mommy and Daddy's hands, even if it's the same thing on her plate. We recently discarded her high chair and she now sits at the table in a booster seat.
She continues to sing and dance, her favorite songs are the Itsy Bitsy Spider, If You're Happy and You Know It and Head Shoulders Knees and Toes. We sing these on repeat in our car.
Piper loves to do her makeup and puts it on any chance she gets. She also loves to brush her teeth and gets really excited when she "blinds" Mommy with how white they are after brushing.
Piper talks a lot! She especially loves taking anything that resembles a phone and talking on it while walking around with her "purse" (aka her basket from Easter). Most of what she says is still babbles, but she does have a lot of single words, we just haven't formed them to make phrases yet.
She says multiple animal noises, Jesus, hi, bye, more, please, eat, yes, no, Mom, Dad, cheese, ear, eye, Ban (for Banner), and more.
Piper has learned all the parts of her face, eyes, mouth, nose, teeth, and ears.
She is starting to understand what the potty is. She will sometimes go to the toilet and start to pull her pants down. We will then help her take her diaper off and sit her on the toilet, wipe and flush. She hasn't actually gone to the bathroom in the toilet yet, but we aren't worried about potty training right now, this is just good practice for her.
Piper starts nursery next Sunday and then Toddler Lab the Tuesday after that. Toddler Lab is a class on campus for toddlers 18mo. to 2 years old that is taught by students in the education and child development major as part of their required curriculum. I had the opportunity to teach it last semester and now Piper is going to be able to attend. We are so excited for the friends she will make and the things she will learn in both nursery and Lab, but I feel a little weird about turning over some of the responsibility of teaching to someone other than myself and my husband.
There is so much more I could tell you about our sweet little girl. She continues to be a light in trying times. She is the reason we work as hard as we do in school and with our business. She is everything to us and there has never been a more adored child in the history of the world. It astounds me that there was even a life to live before her.
These next 6 months promise to be filled with more laughter and learning. As sad as I am to see my little baby disappear, I am excited to see all the growing that will take place.

Dear Piper...Year One

It shocks me to be writing her one year blog post. How is it possible that she has been in our lives for a whole year? It's the strangest thing, your first born turning one, it feels crazy that the past year went so quickly, but then you have to pause and try to remember what life was even like before she was born! She has changed our lives so much!
I'm going to be doing this post a little differently then you are all use to. Growing up my mom always wrote us birthday letters and that is something I have looked forward to doing for Piper. Today is a crazy day and I'm not sure when I'll get time to put pen to paper, so for now, her letter will be here on the blog until I can copy it into her journal.

Dear Piper,
As I sit here writing your first official birthday letter tears immediately come to my eyes. Before you were born your Daddy and I had a feeling that you were going to be something special. We knew that you would bring joy and light into the lives of others. We knew that we were going to have to share you with the world. Every second of your life on this Earth has proven to us that our suspicions were true. There is not one person you have come in contact with that you haven't been able to put a smile on their face. You love people. You enjoy smiling at anyone who looks your way. Usually your radiant smile is enough to make a grown man weak in the knees, and if that isn't enough you have just started doing a slow blink/wink that is sure to make anyone watching laugh. You love making others laugh.
This year has been full of memories. You moved two times! You have made so many friends, both adults and babies, and continue to surprise us!
Piper, you have shown that you are a little bit like Mommy in how you develop. If you can't do it perfectly yet then you'd rather just not do it. Somehow, you still hit almost all of your milestones early! What a wonderful little over achiever. You are now walking everywhere. You hardly ever crawl anymore. It is such a joy to watch you toddle around.
You are beginning to say more and more words. Today in the store I put bananas in our cart and you decided you wanted one. So, at the top of your lungs, you screamed, "NANA!" until we left the store. I love how stubborn you are.
I am astounded by how much you've changed, but by how little your personality has changed. It just strengthens my testimony that you, and all of Heavenly Father's children, are born just the way they should be. Things you loved as an infant you still love! Your personality is only developing, not changing.
In one year you have given your Daddy and I more happiness then we know what to do with. Everything we do revolves around you.
I pray that we will be able to keep your light shining bright. I worry about the world diming your sweet spirit. Daddy and I will always be here to add fuel to your light when it gets low. We love you. We love you more than you can comprehend.
Happy Birthday my Sweet Girl.

Love,
Mommy

11 Months

It's crazy to think that this time next month we will be celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I'm pretty sure that she was just a tiny 7 lb. baby yesterday. I don't even remember what life was like without her. Heck, was there life without her? Living took on a whole new meaning when she came into the world. She drives me crazy. She cries. She screams. She throws things just to get a reaction from me. The sassiness level of this girl is through the roof. And yet, somehow she is still the sweetest, silliest, most loving person ever.

Piper is afraid of no one. She continues to throw herself into stranger's arms without hesitation. (Be still my heart!) She loves everyone. We have yet to come across a person she didn't like. She is especially fond of our neighbor, Will, and hugs him every chance she gets.

This month she learned how to walk and climb. She also learned how to bite...

Piper got a puppy for her early birthday present. His name is Banner. She is very good at pushing him around. Very good.

Piper eats constantly. She loves food. She especially loves food she can feed to herself and attempts to use a spoon. One of her favorite things to do while I'm feeding her is bite down on the spoon. She laughs and laughs as I "pry" it from her mouth.

Piper learned how to make clacking sounds with her mouth, which we believe she thinks is a kissing sound.

Her favorite task is to pull all the books off the bookshelf and then sit in her mess.

She likes to eat dog food, probably just because I said not to.

As always, she is dancing and singing everyday. She is the best thing ever.

Piper continues to babble and said her first word on purpose, No!

She loves coming on campus with Mommy and playing with her friends.

Her favorite toy is Big Baby, mommy's baby doll when she was little.

What a life we have.

10 Months Old

"Time stand still I order you,

no minutes pass until I'm through,

doing what I have to do.

Time stand still I order you." 

Just got that lovely spell off of http://www.spellsofmagic.com/. 

Did it work? Is Piper going to stay little forever now? Because, seriously, my heart can't handle this growing up stuff! Remember when she was so little and now she is 8 weeks away from being 1! That is not okay people! Not okay!

Piper now has seven teeth. You heard me, seven. Three on top and four on bottom. Teething is my worst nightmare. We are still working on her one-year molars. I have to tell you, I'm over teething. My daughter is the happiest baby you could ever meet, until she starts teething. Then an angry monster comes to play. A monster that is particularly fond of crying and not sleeping. 

She can now stand on her own without the support of anything/one, but usually won't because she only stands to reach something someone is holding and once she has it she is very content to sit down and explore whatever she just took. Piper has also taken a couple of steps but prefers to crawl because it's faster! Seriously, this baby is always on the move. Caleb and I are convinced that she knows how to walk, but because it's not faster than crawling she won't do it. 

Piper says "mama," "dada," and "nana". 

Her new favorite thing is Elmo. I don't like to let her watch TV but it is truly the only way I can make her stop moving so I can feed her! She'll be in her highchair trying to twist and turn and hit the spoon out of my hand until I turn it on and then she's calm. She definitely knows how to get her way. 

She now eats Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner of solids with bottles in between. She will only allow you to cuddle with her if she is drinking a bottle and sometimes not even that secures your cuddle time. 

Piper can now wave hello and goodbye and clap her hands, although she would much rather make someone else clap. 

She loves to make messes, read books, play outside and go for walks. She loves when Daddy tickles her. 

Piper is starting to show preference to people, especially her mom, but still loves interacting with everyone! She loves going to the store and smiling and waving at strangers. And let me tell you, strangers love it too. 

I know a lot of mom's say things like this, but I promise you, there is not a happier baby than Piper. Before she was born Caleb and I had a distinct feeling that one of her purposes in this life is to bring joy and happiness to others, to be a light in the darkness. At only 10 months old I am already seeing this come to pass. She brightens up everyone's day. Always ready to smile and remind you of the simple things in life. Piper's smile is a little piece of heaven. 

Is it Just Me?

I want to preface this by saying that there is nothing more rewarding in my entire life than being a mom. I love how silly Piper is. I love watching her learn to stand, walk, say "Dada" and "Mama". I love how she's figured out how to open the containers to her favorite foods. I love watching her splash in the tub. I love everything about her. But I don't love everything about motherhood.

Sometimes, being a mom is lonely. I am the only one of my friends to have a baby. I'm not very good at making friends either. Very few of my friends are married. Almost all of my friends here in Rexburg are single. I've found that I've lost more friends since having a baby then ever before.

Caleb works everyday so that we can save a large amount of money between our two jobs before school starts again. I am alone with Piper 12+ hours a day, 5 days a week. It's lonely. Our neighbors have little girls. Three neighbors, three little girls, all age two. Piper can't run around and play on the swingset with them. I often feel left out when they get together and watch their daughters run around. It's probably my own fault. I guess I could go out there, but that feels awkward.

I wouldn't give up my life for anything. In it's own simplistic way, it is everything I've ever wanted.

Being a mom means that I never shower by myself.
It means that my meals are eaten in secret.
Because I'm a mom I no longer have control over my heart.
It lives outside of me.
Being a mom means that my days are filled with dirty diapers and slobbery kisses.
It means that I'm never alone, yet starving for conversation.
Because I'm a mom my life is complete.
Life is complete.

I guess what I'm saying is, if more of my friends could get married and have babies, that'd be great.

9 Months Old

Bah! Say it ain't so! My baby cannot be 3 months away from a year old! Absolutely not. No. No. No. This isn't happening! I am in full on denial. FULL ON PEOPLE.
Piper has been teething for the past couple of weeks. It's been really rough. She no longer falls asleep on her own for naps or bedtime. We know it's because her mouth hurts and we try to be patient. I'd be lying if I said that when she fell asleep in my arms I didn't relish in the moment.
She isn't walking on her own yet, but she walks around our living room holding on to whatever she can, the coffee table, the couch, mommy's knee, you know, whatever. Piper is almost standing on her own. She seriously never stops moving so when she gets the courage to stand on her own she falls pretty soon after. I think the record is like 10 seconds. Piper is truly the happiest, silliest baby. She continues to love meeting new people, but is starting to show preference to mommy over everyone else. She babbles all day long, usually "dadada" and "lalala" until her Daddy tries to put her to sleep. Then she yells "mamama" at the top of her lungs.
Piper's favorite book is her animal book. She loves when Mommy makes the kitty cat and doggie noises. Her favorite time of day is when Dad comes home from work. She hears the keys in the door and immediately perks up. She rushes to the baby gate and waits for him to come talk to her. They squeal and giggle. Piper sure loves her Daddy. We are so blessed to have him in our lives.
She has started giving new looks and they are FULL of sass. She kind of tucks her head down and looks up at me with her great big blue eyes and "you're stupid" is written all over her face.
Piper loves having her name put into songs. Her entire face lights up when you start singing to her and usually she'll even dance along!
Our lives are so full. We have been blessed with the most wonderful little girl. Caleb and I thank God everyday for the joy that parenthood has brought to us. In a time where our world is getting a little crazier everyday we are grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel and the peace and security it gives us in raising our daughter.

Eight Months Old

These past months have gone by so fast. Truly, there is no possible way I will have a one year old in 4 months! That cannot be. Caleb loves watching her grow and it doesn't seem to phase him that she is growing so quickly. I, on the other hand, and considering putting all our money in a time machine. I just want to go back and savor those quiet moments again. We don't have many quiet moments anymore.
Piper has learned many new things this month. She has begun to try and stand on her own, which is terrifying in it's own right. One of my favorite new things is how she constantly sticks her tongue out, especially while she's crawling. Another funny thing she has started to do is put something in her mouth, like a toy or a book, and crawl around with it. I think she's trying to tell us she wants a dog.
Piper has almost outgrown her car seat weight limit. She is currently at 20 lbs and is about 2 and a half feet tall. She is so big!
She has gotten so silly. Piper loves to shake us when we pretend to be asleep. Her favorite food is anything sweet, but she especially likes frozen bananas. Somehow she has learned how to whine. I know what you are all thinking, but there is no way she learned that from me ;) When she gets hungry or tired she follows us around just whining. She has also learned that when she holds up her arms someone will come pick her up.
For about 2 weeks Piper forgot how to fall asleep by herself and we had to sleep train all over again. That was a pain. But she fell asleep on her own for her last nap yesterday and bed-time, so hopefully that's over with. Piper continues to love reading and music. She even sings along to the hymns at church. She loves shoes, like any typical girl and watching Mommy put on makeup. She also loves to talk! Piper will talk to anyone, but my favorite is when she is playing with her toys and starts babbling to herself.
Piper loves going swimming. She doesn't like the splash pad very much, but put her in a pool and she's a happy girl! Piper also loves strangers. She smiles and coos at everyone! Our baby girl loves to make us laugh and if we are upset she'll crawl over and start babbling, laughing and making us smile. She has the sweetest spirit.
Even though I hate that my baby isn't so much of a baby anymore I am so grateful that I get to watch her grow into the amazing little girl I know she will be.

For anyone who cares, Caleb and I are doing great. We have about 3 weeks of school left until this semester is over. Then we are moving! We are moving into a townhome down the road from where we are now and are super excited about it. I just promoted at work and am so close to getting a $10,000 bonus! Life is good over here at the Hackett house.

Only 5 Months Left...

Princess Piper is seven months old! She is officially closer to being a year old than a newborn. Hold on while I get the tissues! I am ready to bawl my eyes out! She has grown up so fast!
Piper has her front bottom two teeth and is working on her top teeth now! She takes all her naps in her crib and sleeps through the night...most of the time...in her crib. She does wake up every once in a while during the night, but she usually has just rolled herself into the corner of her crib and needs help getting out. She sleeps like a little grown up. Swaddling is a thing of the past. She loves to roll all over, sleep on her tummy or side and have a fan going. She no longer takes a pacifier (easiest transition ever) and is almost going to sleep without a bottle of milk.
This month Piper made a new friend who taught her how to crawl and pull herself up on furniture. She has now mastered both! She can pull herself all the way up on the furniture and has even started trying to push herself up to standing from the floor! She just started crawling and she's already trying to walk! So rude. It's like she wants to grow up! Piper can also push herself up into the sitting position from lying down!
She loves to crawl and explore everything around her. We can't keep her out of anything! She loves everything we've put in front of her, green beans, sweet potatoes, peas, bananas, etc. If it's food she'll eat it. Seriously, I dare you to find a food she will not eat.
Piper loves to give kisses, although it feels more like she's eating your face. She also loves to eat remotes and anything else electronic. She likes her toys, though she'd rather play with everything she's not suppose to play with. Piper loves songs and tries to sing along with the radio. She is very ticklish! We recently found out that the back of her neck is ticklish. She continues to love meeting new people and smiling at them. I don't know where she gets it from, but she is very outgoing! She most definitely did not get that from me.
Piper loves getting to see her Grammy, PaPaw, Gigi, all her aunts and uncles and her cousin Parker. Hopefully she'll get to see her Colorado cousins again soon!
Piper is very patient with me as I learn how to be the best mom I can be while going to school full-time. She really is such a trooper. I am so grateful that I get to be her mom. There is not a better suited baby for our family. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom but I never imagined that it would be this amazing. I am truly blessed.

6 Months

Can you believe my baby is half a year old?
This should not be possible.
She shouldn't be allowed to get any bigger.
Six months is a good age.
Anyone have an age-stopping formula?

This month has been full of fun discoveries.
Piper is this () close to crawling. She scoots around all over the apartment, in fact, we can't get her to stay still. Ever. The past couple of days she has begun doing pushups. She pushes her whole body up in the air, tucks her legs under her and tries to move. Most of the time it just results in a Mowgli look.

We use pillows and nursing pillows to cover up all the corners in our house (translation: our house always looks messy). 

She can sit up on her own, but it usually doesn't last very long because she immediately sees something she wants and grabs for it. 

Piper continues to have a love for books, although lately she'd rather eat them than listen to them. However, we always have books close to her in hopes that she will grow up to love reading just like her momma. 

The doctor is always amazed at how observant she is and how she actively tries to get EVERYTHING. 

The big news this month is that her first tooth cut through! It is sharper than a razor and has hurt me on more than one occasion! If it's possible, her tooth has made her even more adorable. 

She is also sleeping in her crib! It's been a hard transition for all of us. I miss her at night and wish she could continue sleeping in bed with us, but I know that she needs to be in her own crib. She's a big girl and has proven this to me by only waking up once most nights. *sigh* Where did my baby go? The best part about her sleeping in her crib at night, and during naps, is that now when I go in to get her after she wakes up she gives me a hug.  

Piper loves to squeal! She has started making this little high pitch sound when she talks and it melts mommy and daddy's hearts! Somehow we grow more in love with her everyday. 

She continues to put everything in her mouth, including her toes.

Her new obsession is shoes. She loves to chew on them!

We had a moment of panic this month when her skin became blotchy after eating some Gerber Spinach and Raspberry yogurt. We immediately put her in the car and began driving to the ER. On the way we called our doctor and he said just give her some baby benadryl. So we did. Catastrophe averted. 

The past six months have been better than Caleb and I could ever have imagined. We are so blessed to have a tender-hearted, happy baby as our daughter. I have loved every single second of being her mom and am so grateful that through the Plan of Salvation I get to be hers and she mine for eternity. What a wonderful blessing that is. 

Five Months Old

Time is now moving very quickly. This little baby is now five months old! She has grown so much this past month! It amazes me how much she develops in such a short amount of time. I am so grateful for every second I get to spend with her.
Here are some of the new things we are doing this month...

• Rolling over both ways
• Scooting and rolling to get her toys
• Blowing bubbles
• Attempting to chew on Mommy and Daddy's phones, computers, books, flashcards, fingers...basically if they are holding something she is eating it.
• Trying out rice cereal
• Eating her toes at every possible moment
• Almost sleeping through the night...if 10 pm to 4 am counts as almost...
• Trying to hold her bottle or pacifier in her mouth
• Trying to put her pacifier back in her mouth when it falls out
• Screaming in the car because no one is paying attention to her
• Smiling and laughing when we give her Zurberts (aka raspberry)
• Attempting to sit up on her own
• Keeping her Mommy and Daddy on their toes

All of that in just a month!!!! She is so close to crawling. There will be no stopping her once that happens. As she has begun scooting and rolling around the living room I have noticed how unsafe our apartment is. Baby-proofing will be happening very soon. 

Caleb and I are doing really well. School is almost over for the semester and then we will have a little break where we will get to see both of our families before coming back for Spring semester. I won't go into too much detail about us since you probably read my sob story last week or whenever I posted it. (If you didn't read it and want to know what I'm talking about you can read that post here Happy, Healthy, Beautiful) 

We are so blessed to have this gorgeous little girl as our own! 

*Caleb's Note*

Piper is getting really good at pulling on our heartstrings. She fusses for a little, just making grunts and such, and when she realizes we aren't going to pick her up she brings on the waterworks. It takes us a total of 5 seconds to pick her up once those start and maybe 1 second for her to stop crying those great big crocodile tears. She has us wrapped around her little fingers. 

Happy. Healthy. Beautiful.

This is my second draft.
I keep trying to take the words from my mind and put them on this electronic form of paper. Nothing is coming out the way I want it to.
I am a wife, a mom, a student.
Those are the three words that describe me.
The three words that make up my existence.
The three things that the Lord has asked me to do.
The three things that feel impossible to do together.
I can be a wife.
I can be a mom.
I can be a student.
I can do each thing individually, but lately it feels as if I cannot possibly succeed at any of them if I am doing them all together.
Being a mom is the hardest thing that I have ever done and I don't expect that it will get any easier. Without any preparation or formal teaching I suddenly have this little being to take care of. Someone who depends on me for their every need.
As a wife I expect things of myself, even if my husband doesn't. I should make dinner, keep the house clean, do the laundry, be happy, beautiful and put together.
As a mom there are certain expectations pressed upon me by society. I am supposed to exclusively breastfeed my baby because "breast is best." I am suppose to let her cry it out to fall asleep rather than holding her. I am supposed to have her on a strict sleeping schedule, she naps at this time and goes to bed at that time. I am not supposed to let her sleep in my bed because co-sleeping leads to death. I am not supposed to let her feed until she falls asleep because she will become dependent upon nursing. Not to mention that then I am supposed to look like I slept for 9 straight hours the night before and be a happy functioning member of society.
As a student there are things my professors expect. I am expected to go to class every day and have my homework completed. I am expected to be awake, alert and participating in the classroom discussion. I am expected to come to class clean with no baby drool down my pants or spit up on my shirt.
That's a lot of to expect of one person.
You know what? I can't do it.
I can't be perfect.
My baby drinks formula. Not all the time, but she does. She doesn't cry it out because I can't stand it. She's not on a schedule because I don't know how to implement one and I'm so busy doing homework that I don't have time to try. She sleeps in our bed because her sleeper has become too small for her, I'm not ready for her to be in her crib and I don't feel comfortable with her sleeping in her crib if she still wakes up during the night. I feed her until she falls asleep because it's the easiest way to get her to fall asleep and then I can use that time to do homework.
Yes, she is happy. Yes, she is probably dependent upon eating to fall asleep and yes, there are times where I feel like the worst mom in the world because of all these things.
I am the first of all of my friends to have a baby. There are many, many times where I feel completely alone. Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to. Someone who may understand what I'm feeling. Someone to give me a big hug and tell me that it's okay, everyone feels this way at some point.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a mom who is also a full-time student is even harder. It feels impossible.
I am lucky to have a supportive husband who reminds me everyday that this is possible. That with the Lord's help I can do this and succeed.
So, this is my new mantra; "It's okay. Piper is happy, healthy and beautiful."
Every time I feel burdened down by my own negativity, when I feel my stress levels reach unknown heights, when the task before me feels impossible, this is what I'll say. Because really, that's what matters right? Piper is happy. She's healthy. She's beautiful.
You know what else? She doesn't care that she's not on a schedule. She doesn't care that I think I'm failing her as a mom. All she cares about is that when she looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me that toothless grin is that I smile back. All she wants is to be loved and if I can do that, if I can love her, then I haven't failed.
So, to anyone who feels the way I do,
It's okay. Your baby is happy. Your baby is healthy. Your baby is beautiful.

4 Months Old

This baby is growing up so quickly! I can't believe I have the privilege of watching her grow up! I don't have current stats on her because she hasn't been to the doctor in a month, but I will on Thursday :)
Baby girl has to get her second round of shots Thursday morning. (I'm just gonna make a little plug, VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN! I'd like my child to be safe so vaccinate yours. Okay, done.)
It's been a big month! Although, when they are this little, aren't they all?
Piper rolled over from her back to her tummy this month! The first FOUR times she did this we didn't even see it! We'd put her on her back and the next thing we know, we look over and she's on her tummy! Then when we stare at her waiting for her to roll over, she wouldn't! She's such a stinker.
In fact, she loves to be a stinker! When we make her laugh we can only use the same material once. We could do something that will make her laugh and laugh but if we do the same thing just five minutes later she doesn't laugh anymore! She's a tough critic.
This month she has discovered her toes and loves to grab them. It's hard to get her to stop grabbing her toes!
She loves fingers.
She loves Mommy's hair.
She loves her Daddy. Her face lights up whenever he walks into the room.
She continues to love staring at herself in the mirror...or any reflective surface.
She has started to play with toys and loves her playmat from Grammy and PaPaw.
We are STILL not sleeping through the night. Mommy will be talking to the doctor about that on Thursday.
She is very bashful. When you smile at her she gets excited and hides her face.
We still have to trick her into smiling for pictures.
She is settling into her bedtime routine.
We are so lucky to have this baby girl.

Life as Mommy is perfect. It's incredibly hard and seems to get harder as she gets older (which is totally backwards, right?).

Last night I broke down when I realized that Piper is getting too big for her sleeper and soon we will have to move her to her crib. I know this is a traumatic experience for most mom's, but for me there's an added sadness to it. I don't get to spend as much time with her as I'd like. I miss out on hours of watching her growing up. When I get home homework is supposed to be a priority. I feel guilty every day because my time isn't spent how I want it to be. Having Piper sleep next to me feels like a little more time I get to spend with her...it's a comfort. When she moves to her own room that's 8 more hours I'm not with her. I'm not ready.

Being my friend is hard. It's hard because I don't want to go out anymore. My time is not meant for going out to eat, hanging out at someone's apartment, etc. My time is meant for my husband and my baby. I still love to spend time with friends, but I need friends who understand that I come with a baby now. I want to hang out, but I want to do it from my own home, with my baby. When I do go out, it's a huge ordeal. You have to pack a lot of things to make sure you're prepared for anything a baby can throw your way. Going out is more work than it's worth sometimes. I am grateful for the friends I have who come over to my place and play with my baby. I am grateful for the friends who don't flake out on me because I can't go out. I am grateful for these people. Being a mom is hard, but perfect.

Three Months Down

24.5 inches 13.2 lbs

Piper is now three months old! It's crazy how fast time goes, but also how it feels like she has been here forever and ever...Is this how I open all my monthly blog posts about her? I feel quite redundant. Nevertheless, it's true and I'll probably say it every month, so get use to it.
This has been a big month for our Sweet P. She has learned so much!
This month Piper has:

• learned how to roll from tummy to back
• started smiling more and almost always smiling back at anyone who smiles at her
• laughed a handful of times (we can't wait until she's all giggles)
• been able to hold her head up for longer periods of time
• grown...A LOT
• began to roll from her BACK to her tummy, but once she got on to her side she tottered right back over to her back
• got her first round of shots! Ouch :(

As you can see she has accomplished so much in such a short time. I looked at her today and declared she wasn't allowed to get any bigger. This is the perfect size. She still loves to cuddle. She loves when I sing to her. She's big enough to play with, granted our play is tummy time and rattles, but still. She loves having books read to her and she enjoys taking in every aspect of the world around her. I am convinced that she is the most observant baby in the world and nothing anyone says will make me think otherwise. 

Every morning when she starts to get restless and I can tell she's going to wake up I sing In the Leafy Tree Tops to her and she just smiles and smiles. However, whenever I try and record it happening she immediately stops smiling and just stares at the back of my fancy recording device (my cell phone). That stinker. She does the same thing when I try and get a picture of her. She could be smiling for hours but as soon as I put that camera up to snap a picture BAM she's done and as far as she's concerned she has never smiled before. Pretty sure she got that from me...darn it! 

This month has also been really hard, at least for us parents, especially me. For two months I spent every single second with my adorable baby and then all of a sudden I was thrown back into school and I have to leave my baby for 6 hours every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It's hard. Every single day I have to hold back the tears. I think about my sweet girl at home with Daddy every minute. I miss her like I've never missed someone in my life, and I've moved away from A LOT of good friends. There is nothing quite like a mother's love. 

There have been days when I want to quit. Just give up. All I really want in this life is to stay home with my baby and have a good life with my husband. It's because of those desires that I don't quit school though. I know that my degree is so important. If something was to happen to my sweet husband, whether it's a physical disability, unemployment or other terrible things, I need to have my degree as a back up plan. I know that education is important and I feel as if I am making the ultimate sacrifice to obtain it, but one day it might be worth it. 

Luckily, Caleb is taking almost all of his classes online so he is able to take on the role of mom while I am away. I am lucky to be married to such a kind man who supports me in my education goals and has a desire greater than mine at times, for me to finish what I started so many eons ago. 

Every day life gets a little fuller and a little brighter with this sweet baby. I am amazed at the amount I love her each day. It's as if every time I look at her I fall a little more in love. 

Children are living breathing proof that your heart can live outside of your body. 

This month has also been filled with a lot of death. An acquaintance from high school lost his mom very suddenly, an old friend lost her baby and my brother lost one of his best friends. I feel spoiled. I look at my beautiful, healthy baby and my heart cringes for the loss these three are encountering. I hold her a little closer and thank my Father in Heaven for the sweet blessing she is.