Happy. Healthy. Beautiful.

This is my second draft.
I keep trying to take the words from my mind and put them on this electronic form of paper. Nothing is coming out the way I want it to.
I am a wife, a mom, a student.
Those are the three words that describe me.
The three words that make up my existence.
The three things that the Lord has asked me to do.
The three things that feel impossible to do together.
I can be a wife.
I can be a mom.
I can be a student.
I can do each thing individually, but lately it feels as if I cannot possibly succeed at any of them if I am doing them all together.
Being a mom is the hardest thing that I have ever done and I don't expect that it will get any easier. Without any preparation or formal teaching I suddenly have this little being to take care of. Someone who depends on me for their every need.
As a wife I expect things of myself, even if my husband doesn't. I should make dinner, keep the house clean, do the laundry, be happy, beautiful and put together.
As a mom there are certain expectations pressed upon me by society. I am supposed to exclusively breastfeed my baby because "breast is best." I am suppose to let her cry it out to fall asleep rather than holding her. I am supposed to have her on a strict sleeping schedule, she naps at this time and goes to bed at that time. I am not supposed to let her sleep in my bed because co-sleeping leads to death. I am not supposed to let her feed until she falls asleep because she will become dependent upon nursing. Not to mention that then I am supposed to look like I slept for 9 straight hours the night before and be a happy functioning member of society.
As a student there are things my professors expect. I am expected to go to class every day and have my homework completed. I am expected to be awake, alert and participating in the classroom discussion. I am expected to come to class clean with no baby drool down my pants or spit up on my shirt.
That's a lot of to expect of one person.
You know what? I can't do it.
I can't be perfect.
My baby drinks formula. Not all the time, but she does. She doesn't cry it out because I can't stand it. She's not on a schedule because I don't know how to implement one and I'm so busy doing homework that I don't have time to try. She sleeps in our bed because her sleeper has become too small for her, I'm not ready for her to be in her crib and I don't feel comfortable with her sleeping in her crib if she still wakes up during the night. I feed her until she falls asleep because it's the easiest way to get her to fall asleep and then I can use that time to do homework.
Yes, she is happy. Yes, she is probably dependent upon eating to fall asleep and yes, there are times where I feel like the worst mom in the world because of all these things.
I am the first of all of my friends to have a baby. There are many, many times where I feel completely alone. Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to. Someone who may understand what I'm feeling. Someone to give me a big hug and tell me that it's okay, everyone feels this way at some point.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a mom who is also a full-time student is even harder. It feels impossible.
I am lucky to have a supportive husband who reminds me everyday that this is possible. That with the Lord's help I can do this and succeed.
So, this is my new mantra; "It's okay. Piper is happy, healthy and beautiful."
Every time I feel burdened down by my own negativity, when I feel my stress levels reach unknown heights, when the task before me feels impossible, this is what I'll say. Because really, that's what matters right? Piper is happy. She's healthy. She's beautiful.
You know what else? She doesn't care that she's not on a schedule. She doesn't care that I think I'm failing her as a mom. All she cares about is that when she looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me that toothless grin is that I smile back. All she wants is to be loved and if I can do that, if I can love her, then I haven't failed.
So, to anyone who feels the way I do,
It's okay. Your baby is happy. Your baby is healthy. Your baby is beautiful.

4 Months Old

This baby is growing up so quickly! I can't believe I have the privilege of watching her grow up! I don't have current stats on her because she hasn't been to the doctor in a month, but I will on Thursday :)
Baby girl has to get her second round of shots Thursday morning. (I'm just gonna make a little plug, VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN! I'd like my child to be safe so vaccinate yours. Okay, done.)
It's been a big month! Although, when they are this little, aren't they all?
Piper rolled over from her back to her tummy this month! The first FOUR times she did this we didn't even see it! We'd put her on her back and the next thing we know, we look over and she's on her tummy! Then when we stare at her waiting for her to roll over, she wouldn't! She's such a stinker.
In fact, she loves to be a stinker! When we make her laugh we can only use the same material once. We could do something that will make her laugh and laugh but if we do the same thing just five minutes later she doesn't laugh anymore! She's a tough critic.
This month she has discovered her toes and loves to grab them. It's hard to get her to stop grabbing her toes!
She loves fingers.
She loves Mommy's hair.
She loves her Daddy. Her face lights up whenever he walks into the room.
She continues to love staring at herself in the mirror...or any reflective surface.
She has started to play with toys and loves her playmat from Grammy and PaPaw.
We are STILL not sleeping through the night. Mommy will be talking to the doctor about that on Thursday.
She is very bashful. When you smile at her she gets excited and hides her face.
We still have to trick her into smiling for pictures.
She is settling into her bedtime routine.
We are so lucky to have this baby girl.

Life as Mommy is perfect. It's incredibly hard and seems to get harder as she gets older (which is totally backwards, right?).

Last night I broke down when I realized that Piper is getting too big for her sleeper and soon we will have to move her to her crib. I know this is a traumatic experience for most mom's, but for me there's an added sadness to it. I don't get to spend as much time with her as I'd like. I miss out on hours of watching her growing up. When I get home homework is supposed to be a priority. I feel guilty every day because my time isn't spent how I want it to be. Having Piper sleep next to me feels like a little more time I get to spend with her...it's a comfort. When she moves to her own room that's 8 more hours I'm not with her. I'm not ready.

Being my friend is hard. It's hard because I don't want to go out anymore. My time is not meant for going out to eat, hanging out at someone's apartment, etc. My time is meant for my husband and my baby. I still love to spend time with friends, but I need friends who understand that I come with a baby now. I want to hang out, but I want to do it from my own home, with my baby. When I do go out, it's a huge ordeal. You have to pack a lot of things to make sure you're prepared for anything a baby can throw your way. Going out is more work than it's worth sometimes. I am grateful for the friends I have who come over to my place and play with my baby. I am grateful for the friends who don't flake out on me because I can't go out. I am grateful for these people. Being a mom is hard, but perfect.

Three Months Down

24.5 inches 13.2 lbs

Piper is now three months old! It's crazy how fast time goes, but also how it feels like she has been here forever and ever...Is this how I open all my monthly blog posts about her? I feel quite redundant. Nevertheless, it's true and I'll probably say it every month, so get use to it.
This has been a big month for our Sweet P. She has learned so much!
This month Piper has:

• learned how to roll from tummy to back
• started smiling more and almost always smiling back at anyone who smiles at her
• laughed a handful of times (we can't wait until she's all giggles)
• been able to hold her head up for longer periods of time
• grown...A LOT
• began to roll from her BACK to her tummy, but once she got on to her side she tottered right back over to her back
• got her first round of shots! Ouch :(

As you can see she has accomplished so much in such a short time. I looked at her today and declared she wasn't allowed to get any bigger. This is the perfect size. She still loves to cuddle. She loves when I sing to her. She's big enough to play with, granted our play is tummy time and rattles, but still. She loves having books read to her and she enjoys taking in every aspect of the world around her. I am convinced that she is the most observant baby in the world and nothing anyone says will make me think otherwise. 

Every morning when she starts to get restless and I can tell she's going to wake up I sing In the Leafy Tree Tops to her and she just smiles and smiles. However, whenever I try and record it happening she immediately stops smiling and just stares at the back of my fancy recording device (my cell phone). That stinker. She does the same thing when I try and get a picture of her. She could be smiling for hours but as soon as I put that camera up to snap a picture BAM she's done and as far as she's concerned she has never smiled before. Pretty sure she got that from me...darn it! 

This month has also been really hard, at least for us parents, especially me. For two months I spent every single second with my adorable baby and then all of a sudden I was thrown back into school and I have to leave my baby for 6 hours every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It's hard. Every single day I have to hold back the tears. I think about my sweet girl at home with Daddy every minute. I miss her like I've never missed someone in my life, and I've moved away from A LOT of good friends. There is nothing quite like a mother's love. 

There have been days when I want to quit. Just give up. All I really want in this life is to stay home with my baby and have a good life with my husband. It's because of those desires that I don't quit school though. I know that my degree is so important. If something was to happen to my sweet husband, whether it's a physical disability, unemployment or other terrible things, I need to have my degree as a back up plan. I know that education is important and I feel as if I am making the ultimate sacrifice to obtain it, but one day it might be worth it. 

Luckily, Caleb is taking almost all of his classes online so he is able to take on the role of mom while I am away. I am lucky to be married to such a kind man who supports me in my education goals and has a desire greater than mine at times, for me to finish what I started so many eons ago. 

Every day life gets a little fuller and a little brighter with this sweet baby. I am amazed at the amount I love her each day. It's as if every time I look at her I fall a little more in love. 

Children are living breathing proof that your heart can live outside of your body. 

This month has also been filled with a lot of death. An acquaintance from high school lost his mom very suddenly, an old friend lost her baby and my brother lost one of his best friends. I feel spoiled. I look at my beautiful, healthy baby and my heart cringes for the loss these three are encountering. I hold her a little closer and thank my Father in Heaven for the sweet blessing she is.

Two Months

There goes another month. She doesn't actually turn two months until Friday, January 2nd, but we will be driving up to Rexburg that day. I can't believe it's only been two months. I think I may say that every month, but it just feels like she has been with us so much longer. How did we ever live without her?

Piper: This month she has gained a lot of weight. At her doctor's appointment yesterday she weighed 12.5 lbs! She's our little chubster. Her hair is turning strawberry blonde and her eyes are still blue. She discovered her tongue this month and likes to stick it out while she smiles. She is also blowing bubbles, which I don't think she knows she's doing, but she does it a lot. Piper is starting to smile back at us on a regular basis and she loves when we talk to her. She loves to talk to us. She loves cooing and we love cooing back. Although most members of my family would like to deny it, Auntie Em is her favorite. Sometimes I think she likes Emmah more than me, and when she's crying I'm okay with that. She still isn't sleeping through the night. In fact, she's going through a growth spurt because she's been eating every 2-3 hours at night! I was able to start pumping a few days ago so at least I'm not the only one who has to feed her.

Momma: I'm doing really good. I love being a mom. This next month I will be starting school and Caleb will be home with Piper while I'm gone. That's scary for me. I'm going to miss her so much while I'm gone. I've started pumping and that seems to be going well. I get about 3 oz from each side every time I pump.

We are so blessed to have Piper in our lives. I can't imagine our life getting any better.

One Month Old

My baby girl is one month old today. She woke me up at 4:53 am to eat so I was able to wish her a happy one month birthday at 4:57, the exact time when she was born. Can anyone believe that she is a month old already? Let me tell you, being pregnant for a month feels a lot longer than being a mom for a month. I'm so glad to not be pregnant anymore.
I am going to attempt to update you all on her monthly progress, at least for her first year and then we'll see what happens from there. I will also update you on me, I know all you really care about is Piper, but maybe a few of you still care about me too ;)

Piper
This past month has been the happiest month of mine and Caleb's life. We are so in love with this sweet angel. She loves to look at lights, the Christmas tree is her favorite. She giggles and coos at us in her sleep. She's not old enough to know she's giggling, but it warms our hearts just the same. She makes lots of funny faces. One of our favorites is what we call her Bill Cosby face. You know that face he makes where he rolls his eyes and smiles? Well, she makes that same face. I haven't captured it on camera yet, but I'll keep trying.

She's gotten really good at holding her pacifier in her mouth. She puts both her hands to her mouth and holds it. It's pretty cute. Piper is a LOUD pooper. I mean, really loud. I will definitely be passing that information on to her future boyfriends. She loves to be held close and usually on her tummy. Piper loves tummy time. Her neck is getting so strong and she's able to hold her head up for about 10 seconds! She is sleeping more through the night. She slept for about 7 hours a few nights ago, but it didn't last long. Usually it's about 4 hours, which is better than when she had jaundice and it was only 2 hours at a time! Piper loves to stay up late. She wakes up around 8 pm to eat and is wide awake until about midnight, sometimes even later. We are so lucky to have her in our lives.

Momma
I am doing really well. People seem to be surprised by how I'm doing. I was told that I was supposed to miss being pregnant, that I wouldn't feel as connected to my baby once she was born. LIES. I love not being pregnant and I feel more connected to her now than I did before. She's perfect. Don't get me wrong, I have my nervous breakdowns every once in a while. Being a mom is scary! There are so many things I could do wrong! Luckily, I have an amazing husband who knows just what to do to calm me down. I'm also really lucky to have my parents and siblings who will hold her whenever I need, it will be an adjustment come January when we move back to Rexburg and don't have them around.
I am a mom. It's hard to believe. I think I may be one of the first from my high school class to be married and have a child. When I get on Facebook I see posts from my friends, updates on their lives. They are buying cars, starting their careers, traveling the world, doing things that most 22 year olds dream of. Then, here I am, a mom. I change poopy diapers and get spit on all day and I wouldn't change one second of it. I'm still in school. We struggle to make ends meet. We have medical bills up to our eyeballs, but I love where I am in life. I'm a mom, a wife and a full-time student. Life is difficult, but it's perfect.

She's Here!

Piper Amelia Rose has made her appearance! I can't believe she's already a week old. Part of me feels like it couldn't possibly only be a week because I feel as if I have been her mommy my whole life and another part of me feels like this week has gone by so quickly and it makes me a little sad, she's growing up so quickly!
I've had a few people ask me about how she got here, if it was a scheduled thing or not, so I decided to let the world know. After all, you guys have been there from the beginning, why not include you in the end.
On Saturday, November 1st, around 4 pm I realized that I hadn't felt Piper move since about noon. I called my doctor and he asked me to go into labor and delivery "immediately." We got our hospital bag and diaper bag, just in case, and headed out. When we got there the nurses were really excited because they hadn't had a patient all day. They hooked us up to monitor my contractions and her heartbeat. Her heartbeat was strong and my contractions were sporadic. They checked my cervix to see if I was dilated and I was at a 3, at my appointment on Monday I had been at a 2.
The nurse called my doctor to update him on my progress and ask him if they should send me home. Next thing we know, she walks in and says, "Well, do you want to have a baby?" Uh...yeah! I guess my doctor decided that since I had dilated another centimeter, felt like there was a decrease in fetal movement, and 2 days overdue that we should induce, just to be safe. Caleb and I are pretty sure that they were actually just really bored and needed something to do, but we are so not complaining.
They took me to a delivery room and started me on pitocin. That started up the contractions and got my cervix dilating quickly! It was only supposed to dilate a centimeter an hour but I was doing like 2-3 and the nurses kept having to turn down the drip.
I think when I was about 5 cm the pain of the contractions became scarier than the pain of the needle from the epidural, so I got the epidural. Boy am I glad I did. I just sat through the rest of labor and didn't feel a thing. Why does anyone choose not to get one??? After I got the epidural a doctor came in and broke my water.
When I got to 10 centimeters the nurses came in and said it was time to start pushing. I always thought the doctor would be there for that part. Turns out I have been paying this guy a bazillion dollars to make me sit in the waiting room for two hours so that I can see him for three minutes and then have him catch my baby at the end. I don't get it. Nurses should make more money than doctor's, they do so much more work...at least it feels that way on my end.
Anyways, I pushed for like an hour and my epidural was wearing off, even though I kept pushing the button for more (it was a self-regulated pump). She was crowning, but for some reason she just wasn't making it through the canal.
The nurses couldn't figure out which way she was facing and why she wasn't coming out so they told me to take a break (thank heavens) and they would get my doctor in. I got to rest for about 1/2 an hour before he got there. He couldn't tell which was she was facing either, turns out she was faced the right way but her head was bent so the back of it was coming out first. Dr. Astle used the little suction cup thing like 3 times to try and get her out but it wasn't working. I had to keep pushing during all of this and my body was ready to give up. It's not that it hurt a bunch, but my body was just done. Dr. Astle ended up having to give me an episiotomy, which I didn't feel at the time, and then like 3 minutes later Piper was born.
They cleaned her a little and then put her on my chest. What a powerful moment. I started bawling, not because I was in pain or exhausted but because I suddenly felt this crazy amount of love for her and the spirit in the room between me, Caleb and Piper was so strong. It's something I have never felt before. I love this little one more than I could ever explain.
That's it. It's over. Now I just get to enjoy being her mommy.
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you who have encouraged me along the way. Being pregnant was so hard for me and I am so lucky to have the friends and family I do who helped me along the way. Your words have meant so much to me and truly helped me through this. Thank you for being you. :)
I promise to keep you all updated on Piper's life...I might not be as good at blogging about it, but you can rest assure there will be a ton of pictures.

40 Weeks

Well, here we are, 40 weeks. It's our due date, and yet she is showing no signs of coming today...or anytime soon for that matter. At my appointment on Tuesday I hadn't dilated or effaced anymore than the week before. He stripped my membranes, which did nothing, obviously, since I'm not in labor. We have another appointment on Monday and we will schedule to be induced at that appointment. According to the nurse we could be induced that same day, but my doctor said something about not being allowed to induce until I was officially a week over, which would be next Thursday...so I'm not really sure when it will happen, but for now I'm planning on Thursday, November 6th...I am not supposed to be pregnant in November. Watch for a Facebook status update on Monday and we'll let you know when we are going to be induced. 

 

How far along: 40 weeks...I am supposed to be done!

Gender: A sweet baby girl! We are so excited to be adding a princess to our family!

Maternity clothes: Yep, yep. I can't wait to wear my regular clothes again. 

Stretch marks: Just a little. 

Belly button in or out: Out. I can't deny it any longer. 

Sleep: This week I think I have become like every other pregnant lady. Sleep has been awful. I fall asleep at 10, wake up at 11 and can't get back to sleep until 3. Then I'm up every half-hour to an hour to go to the bathroom. I do what I can during the day to try and sleep during the night, but it doesn't seem to help. Like, if I'm tired during the day and I could feel myself slipping into a nap I start to do something so that I can sleep during the night...but it doesn't work. I still can't sleep at night. 

Best moment this week: Winning the costume contest at my church party. It was so weird that I won because I was stressing out about my costume. I have never dressed up as something that isn't pretty and for some reason I was having a lot of anxiety about it. So winning was really cool. 

Worst moment this week: Still being pregnant. Does that count?  

Miss anything: Not being pregnant. And everything related to that. 

Movement: Not so many kicks anymore, since she's running out of room, but lot's of pushing against me. 

Cravings: Nope. 

Queasy or sick: Nope. 

Looking forward to: Our doctor's appointment on Monday and also my sister-in-law is getting induced on Monday! I can't wait for Baby Larson to make his appearance. 

Extra: Here's the registry link. http://www.target.com/GiftRegistrySearchViewCmd?registryType=BB&jsRequest=true&catalogId=10051&status=completePage&cumulativeTime=-1&listId=GXCHgkyVBN9G_dcj-V7vUQ&noOfPings=&registryFirstName=Rebekah&langId=-1&segmentGrpName=-1&storeId=10151&registryLastName=Hackett Just copy and past that huge thing in...or press here.